In a move that economists are calling “bold” and baristas are calling “utter madness,” Tim Hortons has announced that its famous Double-Double will now be sold by the sip to help Canadians weather record-breaking inflation.
“It’s about affordability,” said Tim Hortons CEO Gary Muggins, proudly holding a thimble-sized espresso cup during a press conference. “Why should only the wealthy enjoy a full coffee? Everyone deserves at least three sips of national identity.”
Under the new program, customers can purchase Tim’s coffee for $0.35 a sip, with loyalty card members getting their 10th sip free. Lids will now feature a digital counter chip to ensure no one’s taking extra gulps without paying.
🏚️ Homeless Canadians Grateful — “Finally, Something Warm”
The announcement has been warmly received by many low-income and unhoused Canadians.
“I can’t afford a full cup anymore,” said Trevor, who’s been living near Union Station. “But three sips and a stale bagel crumb — that’s a breakfast fit for a prime minister.”
Tim Hortons reports a 340% increase in early-morning foot traffic, and corporate stock has doubled in value overnight, surpassing maple syrup futures for the first time in Canadian history.
“This is a win-win,” Muggins added. “We get record sales, and Canadians get a taste of hope—literally one sip at a time.”
🩺 Doctors Warn of “Sip Dependency”
Medical professionals are cautiously supportive but worried about side effects.
“Canadians are already addicted to caffeine and national branding,” said Dr. Sheila Fortier from Toronto General Hospital. “Now they’ll be lining up 30 times a day for microdoses of caffeine like jittery beavers on payday.”
Health Canada is reportedly considering regulating “excessive sipping,” fearing an epidemic of half-caffeinated Canadians wandering around with trembling hands and unfinished thoughts.
💼 Business Leaders Praise “Innovation”
“This is genius,” said economist Greg Saunders. “It’s the Uber of coffee — why buy the cup when you can lease the sips?”
Other companies are already exploring similar inflation-friendly models. Loblaws is rumoured to be testing carrots by the bite, and Air Canada is considering charging per breath in economy class.
“Tim Hortons has tapped into the Canadian psyche,” said Bay Street investor Janice Roy. “When everything costs more, we just shrink the joy down to the size of a loonie.”
🇨🇦 A Nation of Sippers
As Canadians adjust to their new caffeinated reality, Timmies says the program is here to stay. The company is even planning a “Sipscription Service”, offering monthly coffee allotments by the sip for those who want to budget their buzz.
“It’s not about less coffee,” Muggins said with a grin. “It’s about more… sipping.”
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