NASA confirmed last week that asteroid 2024 YR4 is on a direct collision course with Earth, set to make impact on December 22, 2032—a date conspiracy theorists immediately noted is suspiciously close to Christmas, leading some to wonder if this is simply Santa’s “hard reset.”
President Biden emerged from what aides described as his “fortified nap chamber” to announce that he actually discovered the asteroid himself. Unfortunately, he misplaced the top-secret file “somewhere between the garage and the Corvette.” Luckily, the file was rediscovered by the family dog next to some overdue library books and a box of classified Pop-Tarts.
Donald Trump, meanwhile, declared the asteroid crisis to be “the greatest opportunity in world history.” Standing before a crowd in Florida, Trump promised to protect the planet but demanded that “every nation on Earth pay me upfront—gold, Bitcoin, or steaks accepted.” He also claimed the asteroid was “probably funded by the Democrats” and may in fact be “a George Soros rock with Hillary Clinton’s face carved in it.”
Up north, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reassured Canadians in his usual calm tone. “Look, if the asteroid hits Canada, it’ll probably just land in Saskatchewan. There’s plenty of room. Honestly, no one will notice. Besides, Canada has done nothing to anger the universe, except maybe nickelback.”
Conspiracy forums are already buzzing. Some say the asteroid isn’t real—it’s just a cover-up for a giant space mining operation. Others believe it’s an interstellar tax collector sent by the World Economic Forum. And a smaller but louder group insists the asteroid is hollow, filled with alien ballots from the 2020 U.S. election.
With nine years to go until impact, the world is left to wonder: is this truly the end of days, or just another celestial excuse for politicians to ask for money?
