Customer Walks Into Tim Hortons for a Double-Double — Walks Out with Double-Diarrhea
A local man’s trip to Tim Hortons took a tragic — and disturbingly splashy — turn this week after ordering his first-ever Double-Double, only to endure a 15-minute lineup, a lobby that looked like a post-hockey tournament, and what he described as “a caffeine-fuelled intestinal crisis.”
“I thought ‘Double-Double’ meant, like… two donuts,” said customer Gary Moffatt, still visibly pale. “I didn’t know it was a cup of rocket fuel disguised as coffee. Fifteen minutes later I was sprinting to the bathroom like I’d just chugged jet fuel at a Leafs tailgate.”
🧻 Doctors Diagnose “Timbit Tummy”
Medical professionals say this isn’t the first time a newbie has been taken out by the country’s most famous cup of coffee.
“We’re seeing a rise in what we call Timbit Tummy,” explained Dr. Sheila Fortier of Sudbury General. “It’s a mix of caffeine overload, dairy shock, and emotional trauma from watching someone spill sugar on the floor and walk away like nothing happened.”
Dr. Fortier added that excessive cream and sugar can “trigger gastrointestinal distress,” especially in people who thought a “Double-Double” was “just a cute Canadian catchphrase.”
⛪ Clergy Offer Prayers (and Wet Wipes)
Father Gilles of St. Mary’s Parish has offered spiritual guidance to those affected by long coffee waits and questionable washrooms.
“We’re holding prayer circles,” he said, holding a Tim Hortons cup like a chalice. “Forgive those who block the lineup with mobile orders, and deliver us from bathroom despair.”
🔮 Psychics Saw It Coming
Local psychic Madame Maple claims she “felt the lactose energy” the moment Gary stepped into the store.
“The spirits whispered: ‘This man shall not make it home,’” she said dramatically, clutching a sugar packet. “The universe is clear — respect the Double-Double, or suffer its wrath.”
💼 Business Leaders Call It “Character Building”
Tim Hortons executives have declined to comment directly, but business analyst Greg Saunders says experiences like Gary’s are “part of the Canadian rite of passage.”
“If you’ve never waited 15 minutes in a Timmies line while a sticky floor clings to your shoe,” Saunders said, “are you even Canadian?”
Despite the chaos, Gary says he’s learned two valuable lessons: always ask what you’re ordering, and never trust a bathroom located beside the mop bucket.
“I came in for coffee,” he sighed, “and left with a story that’ll haunt my plumbing forever.”
