OTTAWA (TRUE NORTH TINGLES) — In a move that has already been dubbed “the most Canadian therapy since double-doubles and Nanaimo bars,” the federal Liberal government has announced a new relief program for Canadians who’ve suffered “mental distress, emotional bruising, or mild eye twitching” caused by the personality of Donald J. Trump.
The “Trump Trauma Cheque Program” — designed by the Liberals’ supreme negotiator Mark Carney himself — will send eligible Canadians a one-time $250 cheque to help “recover from psychological exposure to Trumpian vibes.”
Carney told reporters in his best calm banker voice,
“This is about catalyzing healing, eh. Canadians deserve financial support when exposed to foreign loudmouth energy.”
But here’s the catch: to get the cash, applicants must meet the following “scientific” eligibility requirements:
Be a registered member of the federal Liberal Party. Publicly declare their unwavering belief in climate change (bonus points if you dont’t talk to people that do not compost). Have experienced at least two emotional outbursts after seeing Trump on TV. Demonstrate proof of at least one “WTF moment” during a Trump press conference. Submit a 250-word reflection essay on how Trump’s hair personally offended you.
Cabinet Minister Dominic LeBlanc added with a straight face,
“This is about national healing. And yes, we’ll accept screenshots of your tweets from 2016 as evidence of trauma.”
Foreign Affairs Minister Mélanie Joly chimed in,
“People underestimate how serious Trump fatigue is. I once watched three minutes of one of his speeches — I couldn’t even finish my kale salad.”
Innovation Minister François-Philippe Champagne was even more dramatic:
“This is worse than watching Leafs lose in overtime. Canadians deserve hazard pay.”
Ex-cabinet member Mark Holland — now calling himself “Canada’s emotional support buddy” — said,
“Trump’s personality is like cold Timmies coffee: loud, bitter, and gives you heartburn. This cheque is basically emotional Pepto-Bismol.”
Critics have called the program “maple-flavoured nonsense,” but Liberal strategists say it’s already polling well among people who still wear “I’m With Her” buttons.
Applicants who also identify as “climate warriors” or “CBC loyalists” will be eligible for a bonus $25 gift card for oat milk lattes.
Meanwhile, Conservatives dismissed the program entirely. One MP shouted across the floor, “If you can’t handle Trump, how’re you gonna handle real life, b’y?”
But Carney remained firm, sipping his perfectly foamed latte.
“We’re not just protecting wallets. We’re protecting feelings. Because in Canada, feelings come with direct deposit.”
Applications open Monday. Bring your Liberal membership, a sad tweet, and a good cry.
#TrumpTraumaCheque #FeelingsEh #CarneyCares #MapleMoney #WTFMoments #SorryTrump #CBCandChill #OatMilkRebate
