Liberals Officially Declare Conservatives “Zombies”

In what experts are calling “the boldest political branding move since ‘Trudeaumania,’” the Liberal Party of Canada unanimously voted this morning to classify members of the Conservative Party as “medically recognized zombies.” The motion passed 184–123, with Mark Carney himself thundering in the House of Commons:

“The science is clear, folks. Listening to Pierre Poilievre’s voice for more than 37 seconds triggers a neurological reaction that turns the average Canadian into a mindless, tax-dodging, Costco-card-waving zombie.”

The government has reportedly been working with the Public Health Agency of Canada, Shoppers Drug Mart, and Netflix Canada to draft a coordinated “National Anti-Zombie Strategy,” which includes mandatory sensitivity training, a special checkout tax, and weekly doses of ADHD medication “to keep the undead focused.”

🧟 The Zombie Tax at the Till

Starting November 15, Canadians identified as “Pierre-Positive” — meaning they have listened to, shared, or accidentally nodded during a Pierre Poilievre speech — will face a 7.5% “Zombie Recovery Surcharge” at all major retailers.

Finance officials clarified the tax will automatically appear on receipts as “ZMB-TX: Mindless Recovery Fee.”

“This is about public safety and fiscal responsibility,” said Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland while handing reporters a reusable brain-shaped shopping bag. “If someone’s going to wander the aisles of Canadian Tire in a political trance, they should chip in for cleanup.”

🧠 Mandatory Sensitivity Training

All registered zombies will have to attend weekly government-approved “Empathy & Maple Syrup” sensitivity classes. The training will involve controlled exposure to Liberal talking points, screenings of “The Tragically Hip: A Love Story,” and 15 minutes of forced eye contact with Justin Trudeau’s campaign poster.

Mark Carney explained:

“We’re not just fighting zombies — we’re rehabilitating them. Every time one learns to say ‘equity’ without growling, Canada wins.”
Attendance will be enforced through Canada’s new National Brain App (in beta testing, currently crashing on Android).

💊 Prescription Meds and Curfew Hours

The Zombie Act introduces a federally controlled “Focus & Feelings” medication program. Zombies will receive monthly prescriptions for ADHD medication, which the government claims will “reignite frontal lobe activity dulled by repeated exposure to conservative slogans like ‘Axe the Tax.’”

In addition, zombies will be subject to a 9:00 p.m. curfew to “minimize nocturnal lawn-sign activity.” Anyone caught howling “FREEDOM” after hours will be escorted to a re-education Tim Hortons for immediate counseling and a double-double.

🧊 Reaction From Across Canada

Conservative MPs responded by banging their desks and mumbling incoherently in perfect unison — which, according to Health Canada, was “more evidence of infection spread.”

Regular Canadians had mixed reactions.
“Honestly, if they start taxing zombies, can they at least give us a discount on Timbits?” said Kyle from Sudbury.

A man in Red Deer added, “I’ve been Pierre-positive since 2022. If they try to take my Costco card, it’s game over, bud.”

🇨🇦 What Comes Next

The new legislation, officially titled The Undead Political Containment and Fiscal Responsibility Act, will go to the Senate next week. Liberals say this is “only phase one” of a larger plan to protect Canadians from “the dangers of populist moaning and predictable one-liners.”

When asked if the law might be seen as politically biased, Carney smirked and said:

“We don’t discriminate. Anyone can be rehabilitated. Even if they still think Pierre’s jokes are funny.”

Trudeau ended the press conference with a simple message to the nation:

“Stay calm, stay vaccinated, and if someone near you starts chanting about inflation, call your local Zombie Recovery Centre.”

Canadians are advised to avoid Conservative rallies, upgrade their debit cards to include ZombieTax™ compatibility, and — above all — “listen to CBC for your daily anti-zombie immunity boost.”