Indigenous Man’s “Native Scratchers” Shut Down by Liberals — “Not a Canadian Thing to Do,” Says Gov’t
OTTAWA, ON — An Indigenous entrepreneur from northern Manitoba says he’s been left “scratching his head harder than a mosquito bite in July” after the federal Liberals shut down his plan to launch lottery scratch tickets with Indigenous branding across Canada.
The concept, dubbed “Native Scratchers: Every Win Builds a Rez”, was designed so proceeds would go directly to supporting reserves nationwide.
But the government wasn’t having it.
“Apparently, helping Indigenous communities help themselves is too Canadian,” said the bewildered inventor, Joe “Skywalker” Moose. “Instead of supporting us, they shut me down and told me my idea was ‘discriminatory.’ I thought I was living on Turtle Island, but now I’m wondering if I’m on bloody Mars.”
Ottawa’s Response
In a statement, the Department of Canadian Identity and Feelings Management said:
“While we applaud the entrepreneurial spirit, lottery tickets must remain bland, beige, and soul-crushingly federal. Any attempt to make them fun, cultural, or actually beneficial is strictly prohibited.”
When pressed by reporters, one Liberal backbencher added:
“Listen, if the tickets were raising money for another skating rink in Ottawa, we’d approve it instantly. But improving reserves? That’s just not the Canadian way, bud.”
Experts Weigh In
Dr. Shania Maple-Leaf, professor of Cultural Optics at the University of Toronto, said the decision reveals deep contradictions.
“We have the government screaming about reconciliation every Canada Day, but when an Indigenous guy tries to run a lottery to actually generate money for his people, suddenly it’s ‘illegal.’ That’s not reconciliation. That’s like telling someone you’ll buy them a Tims and then eating the donut in front of them.”
Meanwhile, Prairie economist Gord Perogy called the move “peak Liberal hypocrisy.”
“Ottawa says scratch tickets would exploit Indigenous people. But have you seen the VLT lounge at any truck stop on the Trans-Canada? Who are we kidding here?”
Street Interview Montage 🎤
The TrueReport reporters hit the streets of Winnipeg and Ottawa to ask everyday Canadians what they thought:
Janet, 46, Winnipeg nurse:“Honestly? I’d buy those scratchers if they came with a free double-double. At least the money would go somewhere useful, unlike half my taxes.”
Trevor, 32, Tim Hortons employee, Ottawa:“They shut him down? Buddy, we’ve already got scratch tickets for hospitals and hockey teams. Why not reserves? Sounds pretty sus, eh.”
Randy, 61, trucker from Brandon:“I play VLTs at every Flying J across the Prairies. Don’t tell me scratch tickets are the problem. Government just doesn’t want competition.”
Chantel, 22, university student, Toronto:“If Drake’s face can sell vodka and Raptors tickets, why can’t an Indigenous brand sell scratch-offs? This is straight-up clown shoes.”
Doug, 79, retired farmer, Moose Jaw:“Back in my day, we fixed problems with bingo fundraisers at the Legion. Scratch tickets sound like bingo with more excitement. Let the man cook.”
The Aftermath
Skywalker Moose says he’s not giving up. He’s considering launching the tickets underground, selling them from the back of a pickup parked outside Canadian Tires nationwide.
“If Canada doesn’t want Indigenous-branded scratchers, maybe I’ll just call them ‘Maple Lotto’ and slap The Prime Minister’s face on the jackpot square. Bet you five bucks they’d approve it then, eh.”
