OTTAWA — Canadians across the country are proudly handing over half their paycheques to the government this year, insisting it’s all “for the greater good,” even if the only thing they’ve received in return is a pothole that’s now considered a heritage site.
“Hey bud, I don’t mind paying taxes,” said Hamilton resident Tim McFlannel while scraping frost off his Subaru in April. “It’s what keeps our roads half-usable and gives us that warm fuzzy feeling when they announce a new $9-billion infrastructure project that’ll be done sometime around my great-grandkids’ retirement.”
According to Ottawa, the carbon levy, infrastructure fees, and miscellaneous ‘processing’ charges are essential to “building a more sustainable and inclusive Canada.” In practice, this means more press conferences, more red tape, and another shovel photo-op in a field that still looks like a cow pasture ten years later.
Finance Minister Mapleton Trudeau-McTaxington (no relation… or maybe) said in a press release, “Our tax system is designed to redistribute wealth and create opportunity for everyone. Especially for the people hired to talk about the opportunity.”
In some provinces, locals have started placing lawn chairs at construction sites to watch the slow-motion progress unfold — a new Canadian pastime rivaling beer league hockey. “The first shovel went in the ground in 2011,” said one Edmonton resident, pointing at a single orange pylon. “It hasn’t moved since. I think it’s part of the ecosystem now.”
Critics say the government’s spending is about as transparent as a Tim Hortons drive-thru window after a snowstorm. “They promise bridges, trains, and affordable housing,” said one taxpayer, “but what we actually get is a commemorative plaque and an invoice.”
Despite this, Canadians continue to line up like polite lemmings at tax season, muttering “well, what can ya do” between sips of double-doubles. When asked why, 92% responded: “It’s just how it is here.”
Meanwhile, in true Canadian fashion, the government has announced a $2-million celebration of the groundbreaking announcement for a project that’s expected to be completed in 2039 — just in time for the ribbon to freeze to the podium.
“Hey, we might not get the project,” said McFlannel, “but at least we got the press release.”
