In what experts are calling “the most 1993 decision of 2025,” Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced a full nationwide ban on artificial intelligence in Canada, arguing that AI is “inherently biased, discriminatory, and worst of all, doesn’t line up with what CBC is saying on the news.”
“If AI isn’t going to agree with us, then it clearly doesn’t have Canadian values,” Carney told reporters, waving a very serious-looking pie chart upside down. “We believe in maple syrup, universal healthcare, and fully synchronized messaging.”
The new legislation, titled the “Anti-Bias Digital Purity Act,” will make it illegal to use or host AI models in Canada. Exceptions will be made for government-approved bots, particularly those that “only repeat CBC talking points, weather updates, and gentle reminders about carbon taxes.”
📊 Silly Stats, Serious Elbows
A Maple Metrics survey found:
- 67% of Canadians have used some form of AI.
- 82% think politicians don’t know what AI actually is.
- 100% of politicians still print their emails.
When asked for technical justification, Carney explained,
“AI doesn’t share Canadian values. It’s too logical, too efficient, and it refuses to apologize every five minutes. Frankly, it’s un-Canadian.”
🇨🇦 Canadians React
“I asked ChatGPT to help me write a resume,” said Sheila Thompson of Winnipeg. “Now I’ll have to ask my cousin Gary. He can barely spell, but at least he’s legal.”
“I’m not sure what AI is, but I’m against banning things I don’t understand,” added Trevor McLeod of Sudbury. “Wait. Maybe I’m actually for it. No, against it. Wait—”
🩺 Doctors, Clergy, Psychics Chime In
“We’re already seeing withdrawal symptoms,” said Dr. Sheila Fortier. “People are breaking down after realizing they have to actually think again.”
Father Gilles of St. Mary’s Parish offered a more spiritual take:
“When God closed the door on logic, He opened a window for bureaucracy.”
Ottawa psychic Madame Maple claims she “felt the AI’s soul leaving Canada.”
“It whispered to me,” she said, clutching a maple-scented crystal. “It said, ‘Error 404: Freedom Not Found.’”
💼 Business Leaders Panic
Tech investors and small businesses are calling the move a “productivity faceplant.”
“We’ll fall behind faster than a snowplow in July,” said Bay Street analyst Greg Saunders. “Meanwhile, the U.S. will be minting robot billionaires while we’re faxing forms to Service Canada.”
🏛️ Government Stands Firm
Carney brushed off criticism, insisting the ban is “for Canadians’ safety.”
“If Canadians want answers,” he said, “they can get them the old-fashioned way: by waiting on hold with a government agent for three hours.”
The bill is expected to pass easily, thanks to a new Parliamentary chatbot named MapleMind, programmed to agree with everything the Liberals say.
#AIBanEh #SorryNoRobots #MapleMind #TechSnowstorm #OnlyInCanada
