In their latest effort to “re-green” the entire planet, the federal Liberals are reportedly drafting new regulations that would require Canadians to wear government-approved vapor masks while pumping gas at open-air stations.
According to a leaked 38-page “Eco-Human Safety Framework,” the move aims to reduce “toxic vapor inhalation and carbon-based breath waste.” Starting in 2026, Canadians will need to don a Vapor Protection Mask (VPM-95) before the pump even turns on.
“The science is clear,” said Environment Minister Fern Sprout during a press conference at a Petro-Canada station in Gatineau. “Every time a Canadian pumps gas without a mask, the environment weeps—and so do their lungs.”
Under the new plan, facial recognition technology installed at each pump will verify that drivers are masked before dispensing fuel. “If you’re not wearing one, no gas for you,” Sprout added proudly. “It’s just like Netflix—no login, no show.” BUT, he added, “In consideration for those that cannot afford the upfront cost of a mask, for a one time charge of $14.99 you can pump mask free for one day, but you risk toxic exposure and may die.”
The government claims the policy will save thousands of lives. “Studies show that 3 out of 4 Canadians who smell gas fumes experience temporary confusion, and 1 out of 10 mistake the debit terminal for a touchscreen menu at Tim Hortons,” said Dr. Gary Poutine of the Canadian Institute for Breath Safety.
Each mask is expected to retail for $49.99 and are made in China, but eligible Canadians may receive a partial rebate—up to $2.17—through the federal Carbon Comfort Credit. For convenience, reusable masks can be upgraded annually through a “subscription-based sustainability plan.”
Prime Minister Mark Carney praised the initiative, saying, “Taxpayer lives matter. We need every Canadian alive, healthy, and working to pay taxes to support the re-greening of the earth.”
Not everyone is on board. One skeptical driver outside London, Ontario, said, “So let me get this straight—I gotta wear a mask to fill my car, but not when I’m choking on the price of gas? Beauty, eh.”
Still, officials insist the measure is necessary. “We’re protecting Canadians from themselves,” said Transport Safety Director Jean-Claude Windbag. “If even one taxpayer faints at a Shell station, who’s going to fund the electric bus program?”
The pilot program will begin in Ottawa this winter, weather permitting. Masks will be available in “Bureaucratic Beige,” “Recycled Asphalt Grey,” and “Trudeau Teal.”
As one Liberal aide summed up the initiative: “You can’t spell ‘fuel safety’ without ‘you.’”
