OTTAWA, ON — In what critics are calling the most expensive wave-the-foam-finger program in Canadian history, the Liberal government under Mark Carney has launched a plan to fill empty seats at NHL, CFL, and even MLB games — by paying immigrants to attend.
During an eyebrow-raising interview with TrueReport, Carney defended the initiative, saying it was about “boosting morale and diversity” in Canada’s struggling sports scene.
“Look, the wage page we offer — $25 an hour, plus free food, travel, and five complimentary tickets per year — is too small for regular Canadians to accept,” Carney explained, grinning ear-to-ear. “And naturalized Canadians? They just sit there staring at their phones, posting TikToks about poutine. Immigrants are more active, they cheer, they wave flags. They bring the energy, eh!”
Free Nachos for Nation-Building
Under the program, international students and newcomers are now given government-subsidized tickets. The package includes travel to and from stadiums, unlimited nachos with fake cheese, and enough vouchers for three rounds of overpriced beer.
“Frankly, it’s cheaper than convincing Canadians to care about the CFL,” Carney added, sipping an oat milk latte.
Critics Cry Foul
Opposition parties slammed the plan as wasteful.
Conservative MP Dale McPherson fumed:
“My neighbour can’t even afford Leafs tickets for his kids, but Carney’s handing out free Jays games to people who just got off the plane from Mumbai? It’s a slapshot in the face, bud.”
Even some Liberals quietly admitted the program might backfire. One backbencher whispered:
“We thought it’d look like multiculturalism in action. Instead, it looks like we’re running the world’s most expensive pep squad.”
Experts Weigh In
Dr. Shania Maple-Leaf, professor of Sports Sociology at the University of Toronto, said the policy was “a classic Canadian compromise.”
“We can’t lower ticket prices for locals — that’d be socialist. But we can use taxpayer dollars to hire strangers to clap when the Raptors score. Makes perfect sense, eh?”
The Aftermath
Meanwhile, actual Canadian fans have started scalping their own seats, hoping to undercut the government subsidy.
One season-ticket holder in Edmonton chuckled:
“If Ottawa’s paying twenty-five bucks an hour to clap, I’m applying. I already boo the Oilers for free.”
As Carney put it:
“Hockey is Canada’s religion. If we can’t fill the pews with believers, we’ll just import a congregation.”
