In what may be the most unexpected medical diagnosis since “too much pasta” was declared an epidemic in Italy, an anonymous doctor caring for Pope Francis has officially blamed Donald J. Trump for the Pontiff’s recent illness.
“Donald Trump is the sole reason for the Pope’s condition,” the doctor declared, whispering nervously as if confessing a mortal sin. “There’s no biological explanation. The Pope was fine—until Trump won the election. That’s when everything unraveled. The inauguration? That was the tipping point. Straight to the hospital.”
Pressed by reporters for clarification, the physician sprinted down the hospital hallway in what onlookers described as “the fastest papal-related getaway since the Vatican tried to hide Da Vinci’s notebooks.”
Nurse Maria Armellini, who works at the hospital, added her own diagnosis: “This is a global pandemic. Trump makes people sick everywhere. Mental health turns into physical illness. The world needs divine intervention—or at least earplugs until November.”
The Italian Prime Minister weighed in at a press conference, not mincing words: “This is not a joke. Satan walks among us, and apparently he wears a red tie. We must pray harder than we did during the World Cup.”
Meanwhile, the Vatican has neither confirmed nor denied Trump’s role in the Pope’s health, but sources say incense sales are up 300%—just in case.
