OTTAWA – Homeowners across Canada are discovering their shiny new roofs from Fastroof Shingles Corp have a shorter lifespan than a TikTok trend. Reports say the company’s shingles disintegrate in under six months, leaving families with skylights they never asked for.
The culprit? A mysterious binding chemical called Molybinsgr—which apparently reacts to snow, cold, and that special blend of Canadian acid rain mixed with Liberal tears.
“Fastroof should have tested their products in real-world conditions,” huffed an RCMP spokesman. “Like, I don’t know… maybe ON A ROOF IN CANADA?”
Randy, the head honcho at Fastroof, defended his company. “We’ve been making shingles the same way for 50 years! Nothing’s changed—except climate change, acid snow, and maybe Pierre Poilievre glaring at them too hard.”
Climate Blame Game
Randy insists the real villain is global warming. “We’ve got proof! The carbon tax was supposed to stop acid rain. Instead, it made my shingles dissolve like cotton candy at the Santa Claus parade.”
Meanwhile, insurance companies are washing their hands of the mess, calling it ‘criminal wear and tear.’ Translation: “Good luck, buddy, grab a tarp.”
Political Fallout
Families are now demanding answers from Ottawa. “We were told the carbon tax would save the planet,” said one homeowner, bailing rainwater out of his living room. “Instead, my roof is compost.”
The PMO, when asked for comment, said Trudeau was unavailable—busy skiing in Whistler while brainstorming a new Ministry of Roof Resilience.
At press time, Randy urged Canadians to direct their complaints “where they belong—at the Liberal government, not me. I just make shingles that melt in the snow like Timbits on a dashboard.”
