Ottawa Announces New “National Subscription to Exes” Program — Canadians Outraged but Confused

In a move that has baffled economists, comedians, and divorce lawyers alike, the Liberal government has officially rolled out the National Subscription to Exes Program, which ensures Canadians keep paying for people they no longer live with, love, or even tolerate — much like spousal support in a no-fault divorce.

Prime Minister Mark Carney proudly called it “a bold and innovative way to guarantee emotional continuity and financial confusion across the nation.”

“This isn’t about fairness,” Carney explained, elbows up and grinning. “It’s about making sure Canadians remain financially attached to people they’ve already emotionally blocked on Instagram. That’s what builds a strong middle class.”

💸 1. Rent for Homes You No Longer Live In

Under the new program, every Canadian will be responsible for paying rent on at least one home they don’t actually live in. Officials say it “symbolizes the spirit of shared memories” and “stimulates the real estate market for your ex’s new partner.”

“I love paying for places I don’t use,” said Gary from Sudbury. “Really builds character.”

🏋️ 2. Lifetime Gym Membership — for Them

The bill also mandates lifetime gym payments for your ex, even if you haven’t done a push-up since 2004. “Relationships are like fitness,” said Minister of Emotional Economics. “You may quit the gym, but the treadmill remembers.”

🚗 3. Financing Cars You Don’t Drive

Every Canadian ex-partner will now get a car, courtesy of their former other half. You pay the monthly bill, they drive to wine country. Transportation Canada says this will “encourage economic growth” and “crush your soul in a very dignified way.”

“She’s in a convertible,” said Steve from Kelowna. “I’m on the bus. Feels fair.”

🌬️ 4. Emotional Airspace Tax

Canadians will now owe a small fee for “the emotional air” they once shared with an ex. This includes restaurants, cottages, and that awkward night at the Niagara Falls Motel. Revenue Canada says this tax “protects the sentimental environment.”

📺 5. Streaming Services You Can’t Watch

Finally, every Canadian will legally be required to pay for a streaming subscription used exclusively by their ex. You can’t log in, can’t change the password, but hey — at least they can binge-watch your money’s worth.

“I don’t even like Love Is Blind,” said a tearful man from Winnipeg. “But apparently, my Visa does.”

🍁 Government Defends Program

Liberal officials insist the initiative is “just a modern extension” of no-fault spousal support, designed to keep “the economy and resentment equally strong.”

“Relationships may end,” said Carney, “but monthly payments are forever.”

Pierre Poilievre responded by calling the plan “financial polygamy,” promising to replace it with a “Cancel Your Ex Subscription Act” if elected.

Meanwhile, Canadians are lining up at Service Canada, not to sign up, but to double check if they’re already enrolled.

As one Vancouver resident put it, staring blankly at his new bill:

“I didn’t subscribe to my ex. But apparently… Canada did it for me, eh.”