HALIFAX – The retirees of Shady Pines Towers & Bingo Club have had enough of Halifax’s flashing crosswalk lights, claiming the strobe effect is less about safety and more about triggering disco flashbacks.
“They confuse me!” shouted Gertrude, 87, adjusting her cataract glasses. “Every time they start flashing, I slam on the brakes like I’m at a demolition derby. Half the time I’m not even in my car!”
Other residents admitted they now spend more time staring at the blinking lights than at the actual pedestrians crossing. “I tried blinking in rhythm with the lights,” Gertrude explained, “but it’s like trying to do Zumba after three sherries—impossible.”
The Demands
Their petition? Scrap the lights and bring back good old-fashioned crossing guards. Sure, it’ll cost the city a fortune, but the residents see it as a win-win.
“A crossing guard means jobs, jobs mean families, families mean somebody to shovel my driveway,” said Gertrude proudly. “It’s basic economics. Plus, a friendly wave from a crossing guard is safer than being blinded like you’re front row at a Nickelback concert.”
Next on the Agenda
The action committee isn’t stopping there. Once they return from their annual snowbird migration to Florida, they plan to demand Halifax lower the volume of sirens on emergency vehicles.
“Ambulances are just too loud,” Gertrude sighed. “We can’t tell if it’s a fire truck or the grandkids’ television again. Either way, it rattles the dentures.”
For now, Halifax drivers are advised to approach flashing crosswalks with caution—and maybe earplugs, sunglasses, and a sense of humour.
