Jagmeet Singh, leader of the NDP and self-proclaimed Santa Claus of social programs, announced his boldest plan yet: a “Cash for Diversified Baby Act.” According to Singh, once he’s Prime Minister—or “placed” there like a decorative lawn gnome—every family that produces a biracial baby will score a crisp $1000 cheque straight from Ottawa.
“Canadians know me for dental care, my cool turbans, and my ability to glare at billionaires on TikTok,” Singh declared to a crowd of three supporters and one confused Uber Eats driver. “But now, I bring you cash for kids that look good on campaign posters.”
The Rules of Baby Bingo
The act is pretty simple: if your kid is born in Canada and has two parents of different heritage, boom—$1000. Adoptive parents? Still counts. IVF? You betcha. One-night stand at a Leafs game? Even better.
When asked about children born to parents of the same ethnicity, Singh dodged the question, mumbled something about “equity frameworks,” and then sprinted into a cab with his Cabinet—yes, the literal piece of furniture, since half the caucus had already Ubered home.
The Policy Pitch
Singh explained:
- “I have children just like you, except they’ll grow up to vote NDP automatically.”
- “This is one of many options, at one of many tables, in one of many rooms.”
- “No one is as great as me, except maybe my barber.”
Economic Impact
According to early NDP math (done on the back of a Tim Hortons roll-up cup), this program could cost anywhere between $3 billion and infinity depending on how frisky Canadians get after a couple of Caesars. Singh’s office assured the public it would be paid for by “taxing greed” and “asking Pierre Poilievre politely to chip in.”
Final Thoughts
So, Canadians, the choice is yours: keep paying for groceries you can’t afford, or take the plunge, find a partner from another background, and collect your sweet socialist baby bonus. Singh’s message is clear: make love, not pipelines.
