In a surprise announcement that shook more Tim Hortons than an earthquake in Moose Jaw, former NDP leader Jagmeet Singh has come out of retirement to start a brand-new political force: “The New Party, Party.”
“I’ve had enough of watching Canada turn into a Netflix sequel nobody asked for,” Singh declared from a podium draped in plaid. “It’s time for Jagameat 2.0. Read my moustache: this country will never have a book-licker for Prime Minister, EVER!”
Canadians across the nation immediately googled “book-licker”, While no one’s quite sure what he meant, 68% of Canadians polled by MapleData say they “kinda agree” with the sentiment anyway, while 12% said they thought he was talking about libraries.
Singh’s new “New Party, Party” reportedly stands for “Canadian values, whatever those are this week.” In his speech, Singh claimed his intel suggests a federal election will happen “sooner than your double-double gets cold.” He vowed to run not just to win, but to “bring the soul of Canada back to the drive-thru window of democracy.”
When asked what makes his party different from the old NDP, Singh smirked. “Simple. We’re newer. And we actually like paycheques.”
He then spent 20 minutes explaining how he “single-handedly manipulated Justin Trudeau” during their coalition years. “Every daycare deal, every dental plan—Jagameat made it happen. Justin just smiled for the cameras while I pulled the strings. I’m basically the new curry-maple-flavoured puppet master of Parliament.”
Political analysts are already buzzing about Singh’s comeback. “If he can capture the 18–45 flannel-wearing, motorcycle-loving, Tiktok-using demographic, he might have a shot,” said Professor Gord McDo uble of the University of Moosejaw. “That’s roughly 14% of the voting population, or 100% of downtown Hamilton.”
The “New Party, Party” platform is still in the works, but early leaks include:
- Free beards shampoos for veterans.
- A national ban on reading books with more than 100 pages.
- A carbon-neutral motorcycle subsidy.
- 2 Driver Licenses per year gifted to anyone you call Aunty or Uncle.
- A bottle of “Jaggies Butter Chicken Sauce” no msg.
As Singh wrapped up, he promised Canadians something bold: “I’m not here to divide Canadians—I’m here to multiply them. And if the Liberals and Conservatives don’t like that, they can go read a book. Because Jagameat 2.0 is back, baby—and I’m revving for Ottawa.”
