In a move that has every kitchen table in Newfoundland buzzing louder than a Saturday night generator, Premier John Hogan announced a shock deal with U.S. President Donald Trump to build an undersea oil pipeline from Newfoundland and Labrador to Maine — calling it “a handshake across the deep blue” and “the best thing to happen since cod got their dignity back.”
“Sometimes a deal with the devil is better than no deal at all,” Hogan declared at a press conference, flanked by a Mountie and a giant stuffed moose. “Us Newfoundlanders aren’t gonna end up like the poor folk from Ontario and B.C. who couldn’t negotiate their way out of a Tim Hortons lineup. I’m making things happen — let’s moobies Newfoundland, baby! Yee-haw!”
The $7.6 billion pipeline, dubbed the “Atlantic Artery,” will reportedly stretch 900 kilometers under the Gulf of Maine, pumping crude directly to a new Trump-branded refinery in Bangor. According to leaked cabinet documents, Trump insisted on naming rights, declaring the project would “Make Offshore Great Again.”
Critics are calling the deal “slipperier than a fresh mackerel.”
Environmental groups have warned the plan could “devastate marine ecosystems,” but Hogan brushed off the concerns: “Cod’ll love the warmth. It’s like turning on the heat in da ocean.” “Plus I can trade carbon credits like I trade Hockey cards, I’m the best my mom always said.”
Economists are torn. A Memorial University report estimated the deal could bring 12,000 temporary jobs, while the St. John’s Board of Trade noted that “Newfoundland’s been broke since disco died — so sure, why not?”
Opposition Leader Jim Dinn called it “an oily love letter to a man who still thinks Greenland’s for sale.”
Federal officials in Ottawa reportedly learned of the deal through a tweet showing Hogan and Trump chest-bumping in front of a map labeled “Pipeline or Bust.”
Meanwhile, Trump praised Hogan as “a tremendous negotiator — maybe the best in the Atlantic provinces, which are wonderful, by the way, very watery.”
Asked about payment terms, Hogan said:
“It’s all above board — Trump gave us a big bag of cash, couple gold-plated moose heads, and lifetime access to Mar-a-Lago’s breakfast buffet. Call it the Newfie NAFTA!”
As one Corner Brook resident summed up on VOCM radio:
“If the man can get us a cheque and a reason to stay, I don’t care if he pipelines it straight through my lobster trap.”
Economists, environmentalists, and Ottawa bureaucrats may still be wringing their hands — but for now, Newfoundland’s Premier is strutting like a man who’s found oil, gold, and a half-decent deal with the devil all in one go.
