Ottawa — The House of Commons went full-on bird sanctuary this week when François-Philippe Champagne let out a ten-minute squawk-a-thon about what it really means to be Canadian.
“Caw! Caw! Elbows up, buds!” he screeched, arms flailing like a seagull dive-bombing a box of Timbits in a Timmy’s parking lot. “Doesn’t matter if you were born in Moose Jaw or Mumbai—raise your elbows high and you’re a true Canadian!”
The squawking reached such decibels that the Speaker had to pause proceedings, though several MPs admitted they couldn’t tell if it was Champagne talking or just a loon that had wandered in from the Rideau Canal.
According to Champagne, elbows are no longer just for hockey scrums or fending off leafs fans in the beer line. They’re now a “universal symbol of Liberal solidarity.” He declared: “Raise your elbows in Paris, raise ‘em in Beijing, raise ‘em while mowing your lawn in Red Deer—wherever you are, you’re honouring Canada’s Liberal vision. Lies? Not lies, buds. They’re the new truths in our new elbow society!”
Mark Carney, grinning like he just found free Wi-Fi at a hockey rink, backed him up. “François is right. The era of facts is over. Elbows are facts now. Bigger the elbow, stronger the democracy. Harper never raised his elbows, and look what happened, eh?”
Liberal MPs were spotted elbowing each other in the hallways afterward, testing their reach like kids measuring their height on a wall. One staffer bragged, “My boss’s elbows cast a shadow over the whole caucus room. That’s real leadership, bud.”
Conservatives tried to interject, but were quickly drowned out by Champagne’s encore squawk: “Squuuuaaaawk! Elbows high, truth is what we say it is, the new Canada is here!” At least one Tory was overheard muttering, “If this is the new truth, then I’d rather stick with fake news.”
Political analysts say this could be a turning point in Canadian identity. Forget waving the flag or singing O Canada—future citizenship ceremonies may simply involve raising both elbows while squawking like a goose in heat.
As Champagne wrapped up his feathery sermon, he flapped once more and shouted, “Elbows up, Canada! From the Liberal roost to every Tim Hortons drive-thru across the land!”
And just like that, the Commons adjourned—for a double-double and a box of honey crullers, naturally.
