Bitcoin, the digital currency that has long been criticized for having “no intrinsic value,” may finally have found its backing—the world’s cocaine inventory.
For years, critics have pointed out that unlike national currencies, which are “backed” by GDP, armies, and politicians yelling in Parliament, or gold, which can at least be turned into shiny necklaces, Bitcoin exists only as numbers on a screen and the fever dreams of Reddit forums. Its real-world utility? Mostly buying cartoon monkey JPEGs, paying ransomware, and funding your cousin’s failed NFT project.
But fear not, stability is on the way. A coalition of international cocaine dealers, apparently bored with yachts and Netflix money-laundering documentaries, has proposed pegging Bitcoin’s value directly to their global cocaine stockpile—estimated at a cool $3 trillion.
“Bitcoin needs something solid,” said Muakio, a dealer who proudly claims to operate “in international waters,” which is drug-lord code for “nowhere you can extradite me from.” “And cocaine is as solid as it gets. Well, sometimes.”
Thanks to AI, today’s cartels are run with the efficiency of Fortune 500 companies. Dealers now track inventory in real time, manage supply chains from Colombian jungles to Brooklyn loft parties, and update prices instantly, all on custom-built apps. “It’s like Amazon Prime, but for blow,” one cartel tech consultant explained.
Economists, meanwhile, are cautiously optimistic. “It actually makes sense,” said one unnamed analyst. “Gold is shiny, GDP is shaky, and cocaine is the only commodity that consistently sells itself. If people are willing to snort their kid’s tuition money, surely it can support a cryptocurrency.”
If approved, this move would finally give Bitcoin the credibility it has lacked. After all, what better foundation for the world’s most speculative asset than the world’s most expensive powder?
As one dealer summed up: “With Bitcoin backed by cocaine, investors everywhere can finally say, ‘I’m holding something real.’ Even if it comes in a baggie.”
