In what may be the boldest move in Canadian housing since someone tried to sell a condo without parking, Cetrix Insurance Company of Ontario has announced it will no longer insure homes with more than three doors and one window per room.
Trish, a representative for Cetrix, explained the reasoning in a tone that suggested she’s been saying this a lot:
“Look, profits are down because criminals insist on using, you know, doors and windows. Every year, break-ins through doors are up 5%, and window crimes are up 8.6%—which is practically a pandemic. And don’t even get me started on sliding glass patio doors. They’re basically crime superhighways.”
According to Cetrix’s very scientific study:
- 72% of burglars prefer to use a door “like a normal human.”
- 24% crawl in through windows because they “watched too many action movies.”
- The remaining 4%? Basements, chimneys, or just being relatives “borrowing” stuff without asking.
To “protect the health” of their bottom line, Cetrix has laid down the law: if your home has more than 8 windows or 3 doors, you’re on your own. Translation: unless you’re living in a windowless shipping container with a single hatch, you’d better start shopping around.
Trish reassured us that this is all about equality:
“Insurance companies, like every other business, need to make a profit. Why should we carry the burden of Canadians having… checks notes… kitchens with patio doors?”
A leaked internal report suggested their next step may be even more radical: refusing coverage to any home with more than two bathrooms. “The risk of floods from over-flushed toilets is astronomical,” the report warns, estimating that each Canadian flushes an average of 1,742 times per year—though, in fairness, Tim Hortons coffee may skew those numbers.
Brampton homeowner Kevin tried to plead his case after learning his four-bedroom house had been blacklisted.
“I told them my kids barely even use the back door, but they just said, ‘Rules are rules, bud. Maybe board it up, eh?’”
Experts predict by 2030, Canadians will either be living in fortified igloos or converted grain silos if they want to keep insurance. Until then, homeowners are advised to keep their windows bolted, their doors barricaded, and to consider investing in a friendly moose as a security system.
