Ottawa — The House of Commons turned into something out of a bird sanctuary this week when François-Philippe Champagne, in his trademark high-pitched squawk, declared that Canada is ready to swoop south of the border and take over the United States.
Perched at his desk, flapping metaphorical wings, Champagne screeched: “Caw, caw, caw! Their government’s shutting down, eh? Time for us to move in, elbows up!” The chamber erupted in a mix of laughter, groans, and at least one backbencher googling “how to apply for U.S. presidency as a Canadian.”
The timing of Champagne’s bird-call diplomacy couldn’t be better, he argued. With Democrats circling like gulls at a beach fry stand and Trump on the ropes, Canada has a once-in-a-lifetime chance to trade in loonies for greenbacks and make Tim Hortons the official coffee of all 51 states.
Enter Mark Carney, strutting like a proud goose, chest puffed and elbows high. “Listen, folks,” Carney said, trying to look prime ministerial, “François-Philippe Champagne is not just our foreign minister. He’s the next President of the United States. He can easily hold a extra large Tim Horton’s, trump can’t even hold a medium cup..”
The Conservative benches howled in protest, but Carney simply raised his arms higher, his elbows casting shadows across the aisle. “Watch out, cons,” he sneered. “The left is backhanding you straight to the penalty box.”
Political analysts are calling the strategy “Operation Elbow Drop,” a bold Canadian plan to annex America during its government shutdown. The idea? Step onto U.S. soil with hockey sticks, free healthcare, and universal poutine, then politely but firmly declare, “Sorry, you’re ours now.”
Champagne, meanwhile, continued chirping about his upcoming White House plans. “We’ll replace the bald eagle with the Canada goose! National anthem will be a remix of O Canada with a Drake verse! And instead of the White House, I’ll rule from a giant igloo in Washington!”
Republicans south of the border have yet to respond, though one was heard muttering: “We just got beat by a guy named Champagne with elbows? This is worse than losing to Quebec at trivia night.”
For now, Canadians are divided. Some are polishing their elbows for the big push, while others just want cheaper beer. But one thing’s certain: if Trump thought dealing with Democrats was tough, wait ‘til he gets a backhand from François-Philippe the Squawking President.
