Sidney, BC — Mystery solved, folks. According to a leaked hospital report, Green Party MP Elizabeth May’s famously erratic behaviour can now be chalked up to something straight out of a Discovery Channel nightmare: brain bugs.
A hospital technician in Sidney spilled the beans — and allegedly the MRI scans — showing May’s noggin crawling with cysts caused by tapeworm larvae. The condition, called cysticercosis, apparently sets up shop in the brain and leads to headaches, personality changes, and, if you’re unlucky, speeches that make even House of Commons translators beg for mercy.
Local doctor Jerry, puffing a dart outside the hospital, gave it to us straight: “Look, if she’s got brain bugs, it’s only gonna get worse. Today it’s random rambling about the climate, tomorrow she’s yelling at a lamp post about carbon taxes. Happens quick, bud.”
And because no Canadian story is complete without political mud-slinging, Jagmeet Singh jumped in like a beer-league ref looking for a fight. “Let’s not forget May’s originally from the States. Born and raised in Trumpland. Maybe it’s time she scuttled back across the border and let real Canadians run the show.” Singh didn’t elaborate whether he meant “real Canadians” as in Liberals, NDPers, or just guys in flannel with snowblowers.
Justin Trudeau, when asked about May’s alleged brain bugs, had no official comment — though sources say he was spotted at a Timmies giggling into his oat milk latte. Pierre Poilievre also stayed mum, but his staff apparently ordered a round of dewormer tablets on Amazon, “just in case.”
Meanwhile, in Sidney, locals aren’t shocked. “Explains a lot,” muttered one fisherman at the dock. “We always thought something was off, but brain worms? Kinda makes sense. Beats blaming it on the kale smoothies.”
Hospital staff have neither confirmed nor denied the leak, though one insider joked, “Half of Parliament probably has brain bugs — it’s the only way to explain Question Period.”
So there you have it: Elizabeth May, possibly the first MP in history to be officially diagnosed with worms upstairs. Whether this makes her more relatable to Canadians or just gives her political opponents fresh ammo, one thing’s certain: the Green Party slogan might need an update.
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. And Deworm.
