OTTAWA – Armed with a $5 million “Green Is the New Red” grant from the Liberal government, two entrepreneurs, Leena and Rose, have launched Canada’s first drive-thru produce market—because apparently Canadians are now too fat and lazy to peel a banana outside their vehicles.
“What we’re doing is standing up to Big Burger,” Leena told reporters, balancing on a kale crate. “Corporate greed has made people soft, swollen, and dependent on double cheeseburgers. We’re here to swap grease for grapes—without anyone breaking a sweat.”
The business model? Simple. You pull up in your minivan, roll down the window, and instead of a Big Mac, you’re handed a bruised cucumber or a slice of watermelon in a soggy paper tray. For an extra $3.99, Rose will even squeeze an orange directly into your cupholder.
Health Canada is thrilled, calling the initiative “a monumental leap forward in the war on cholesterol.” Sources confirm the department plans to subsidize “veggie nuggets,” broccoli slushies, and even “carrot fries” to help expand the menu.
“Instead of a Pepsi, people can grab a raw onion and just bite into it,” Rose explained cheerfully. “It’s equally refreshing and makes you cry about your life choices.”
Compost by Car
Leena insists their concept is environmentally sound: “The best thing about drive-thru produce is you can chuck the peels right out the window while driving! Instant compost. Just yesterday, a guy tossed a watermelon rind on the 401 and boom—pollinator habitat.”
Franchising plans are already underway. Rumours suggest their next location will feature a “Kale Instead of Gas” pump, where $50 fills your tank with unleaded lettuce.
Critics say the program is absurd. “We’re paying $5 million so people can stay in their cars while pretending to be healthy?” one taxpayer grumbled. But Liberal spokespeople defended the grant: “If we can make Canadians feel better about themselves while keeping their butts firmly glued to car seats, that’s a win for public health and democracy.”
At press time, Leena and Rose were brainstorming a dessert menu featuring “organic air” and “sustainably-sourced ice cubes.”
