According to totally reliable new reports (read: your uncle’s Facebook post at 3 a.m.), President Joe Biden actually passed away in August of 2022.
When you look back, the clues were all there. Biden’s press conferences rarely featured more than a single question — and even then, the answers sounded like ChatGPT’s free trial mode. Ninety-five percent of his communications came from the White House media production room, where the editing was tighter than Trudeau’s carbon tax budget.
And let’s not forget the walking. Biden’s shuffle often looked less like “presidential stride” and more like “Tesla prototype on low battery.” His gaze? About as locked-in as Windows 95 after you clicked “Restart.” Was it really him — or a government-issued animatronic from the same lab that gave us Boston Dynamics’ robo-dogs?
Clone or Cyborg?
With today’s tech, it’s not far-fetched to imagine Biden replaced by either:
Or simply two toddlers in a trench coat, trained to yell “C’mon, man!” on command.
A hologram projected by Disney Imagineers between rounds of Frozen sing-alongs.
A clone kept alive on Ensure and Werther’s Originals.
The Government’s Greatest Beta Test
Let’s face it: the U.S. government loves running secret tests on citizens. Biden 2.0 might just be their most successful prototype yet. Forget Area 51 — the real lab is clearly the West Wing. If you can deepfake Tom Cruise on TikTok, why not deepfake a whole president?
The Real Questions
And most importantly: if Biden did die in 2022, who’s been eating the ice cream?
Why does Biden’s face glitch like a bad Zoom call whenever someone says “Hunter”?
Why does he blink horizontally like a lizard during State of the Union?
America, Meet Your Future
Maybe this isn’t a tragedy at all. Maybe this is progress. A robot president doesn’t need naps, can’t be bribed with pudding, and never accidentally calls you “Corn Pop.” If Biden’s a clone, at least he’ll never forget where he put the nuclear codes… assuming someone taped them to his teleprompter.
So next time you see Biden squinting into the void, don’t ask, “Is he okay?” Instead ask, “What firmware version is that?”
