Ottawa, ON — From St. John’s to Whitehorse and every Legion hall in between, alcoholics have finally had enough. A coast-to-coast class action lawsuit has been launched against the federal government, claiming boozehounds are being “marginalized and shafted” in favour of opioid and fentanyl addicts who are handed free dope, free housing, free hugs, and, in many cases, free passes from the law.
“Alcoholics have been around way longer than fentanyl junkies,” declared Sam, the official spokesman for the Canadian Alcoholics Legal Action Network (CALAN). “We built this country on beer and rye, not fentanyl needles. Yet when it comes to government handouts, the druggies get condos and care packages, while we’re stuck buying our own damn twelve-packs at full LCBO prices. That’s discrimination, bud.”
Sam insists their case is airtight. “Our Charter rights are being trampled like empties at a frat party. We’re equal-opportunity addicts, and Ottawa’s playing favourites. Just ‘cause our poison comes with an excise tax doesn’t mean we don’t deserve the same sympathy.”
The list of grievances runs longer than a Tim Hortons drive-thru at 8 a.m.:
If an opioid user shoots up in the same park? They get a nurse, clean needles, and applause from the CBC.
If an alcoholic swipes a bottle of vodka from the liquor store? Jail.
If a fentanyl user swipes fentanyl? They get a federally funded safe site and maybe even a hot sandwich.
If a drunk cracks open a mickey in a park? $150 fine and a night in the drunk tank.
“Where’s the logic, eh?” Sam grumbled. “I pound twelve Blue Lights in a Walmart parking lot and I’m a menace. Some guy shoots up fentanyl outside the daycare, and he’s a tragic victim of society. We’re both addicts. Only difference is mine comes in a can.”
The lawsuit seeks damages, subsidies for beer and whiskey, and federally funded “safe bars” where alcoholics can drink under supervision without fear of fines, judgment, or running out of darts.
Liberal and NDP critics are already dismissing the lawsuit, calling it “cheap populism.” But Conservatives are quietly licking their lips at the political potential. One MP was overheard saying, “If Ottawa hands out free beer, we’ll have majority government forever.”
For now, the case is winding its way through the courts, with Sam confident of victory. “All we want is fairness. If fentanyl gets free needles, alcoholics should get free bottle openers at the very least.”
Until then, the booze crowd will keep doing what they’ve always done best: organizing loudly, drinking harder, and demanding a round on the taxpayer’s tab.
